it starts:

okay this is a little hard to explain so I'm gonna do my best.

have you every had a empty feeling?

like wake up and know your missing something?

no not your morning coffee or term paper.

something more like when a child pulls at your arm and that's how you know they want something.

it's like that, like your self is pulling and tugging at you trying to tell you something subconsciously.

i woke up with this subconscious hand tugging at me one Morin, and it's something you really can't just go on and ignore.

 15, young and stupid i felt then.

i just didn't realise the most important thing that could happen to me would happen in the coming months.

it started with a smile, not one of those off the shoulder smiles but the brightest smiles you'll ever see.

the kind that make you almost trip over a tree stump and make you react like a total fool.

but he doesn't mind he just helps you up and smiles all over again.

that annoying little twitch of something missing popped back into action right after.

driving me crazy with what i was trying to find; i just couldn't go looking for it i didn't know what the hell I was looking for in the first place!

then his number came clear across my caller id on my phone and a smile lit my own face and i fumbled with the darn thing to get it to come on.

then his voice was in my ear, i hadn't heard it in awhile so i let it sink in like a sweet dose of chocolate, his voice brought heat to me all over.

oh if he only knew what only the simple spew of language that tossed from his lips did to me.

it went from there.

from a conversation, to months of laughter and smiles and tear filled eyes.
tears? oh yes, not all things can stay happy.
I'm sure life has taught you that notion by now surely yes?
was it unmoral what happened between one and soul and he?
maybe.
maybe not.
i can not judge, although i have not convented a sin against him myself sometimes i feel lack of judgement in the department of my own in rightful thinking of him.
worried my self to sickness over something that isn't even possible anymore.
Ive done this to myself a lot.
why?
not a clue, hurt to many times perhaps?
but that shouldn't effect him in any way so i don't know how that ties in.
I've always bruised easy, bled with ease with a foolish accidental cut but he doesn't even know he is the only one who could hurt me within a inch of death.
i would rather be dead in truth rather than have to face a day where he could hurt me.
could he?
maybe.
possibly.
incredibly so.
now would he is the right question.
maybe.
possibly.
not even close.