the real battle.

2010-11-22T18:45:00.000-08:00

magic ducktape:
i hate the feeling i get when your gone.
i feel like every breath is filled with liquid ice.
it freezes my lungs and i can't breath.l
i hate the feeling i recive when your about to leave
im numb and i feel the little sharp prickles like neddles;
faster than a bullet it hits me without a sound.
no cry, no pain.
nothing.
i hate the feeling knowing your going.
but i know your going anyway.
i know you love me like the love i give you.
it's enough when your here it feels like a addict getting the dose.
but your not a drug but i am addicted to the sound of your voice, your heart beat.
it's not the same when you gone but i will go on.
i will wait for the days your here holding me, holding us together like the strongest of ducktape.
i hate the feeling i get when your leaving.
when your out the door.
when your car door is shut and i can hear you driving away.
but i know it's only today, you'll be back holding me together.
holding us together like some magical ducktape.

2010-11-22T18:33:00.000-08:00

it couldn't hurt:

i found a way.

a way to say one thing.

"how could i possibley say it" i think.

because i mean it.

i will say it

when i mean it

not when i think you want to hear it

not when i just THINK i want or need to say it.

it couldn't hurt to hold back a bit longer.

to make up my mind.

to think of what im saying before i say it.

it's confusing i know

but i need the time to think

the time to make sure before i speak

before i make a mistake i can't take

im gonna tell you when im ready.

im ready.

im gonna tell you now.

are you ready?

of course your ready you've been waiting all this time.

so here it goes.

im gonna jump in.

one breath.

two breath.

three breath.

i love you.

and i mean it.

2010-11-22T18:17:00.000-08:00

it wasn't a crime:

it wasn't a crime to fall for him.

although every one treated it as though .

it wasn't a crime to miss him so bad it hurt.

but everyone just sad no.

it wasn't injustice for me to smile when i heard his name.

my father took his faith away without reason.

every person looked down on me in shame.
i wasn't about to be put down for loving another soul.
i would't let someone else tell me;
speak to me as though i was a child.
i wasn't about to let someone take what made me whole.
it wasn't a crime to let him kiss my lips.
people in my life treated him as my own demise.
mother was a forgiving saint; she brought them to a stop
because she looked at my teared face and she then relised.
the truth must of been hard to face.
for a mother to look so much in fear of loosing her child.
to no less than a man who would make her a woman.
that i would take passion and nothing close to something mild.
it wasn't a crime and i wasn't going to be locked up in thier world.
not without a fight.
so i finally took his hand, and he took mine.
now i get to love him ever secound of every night.

2010-11-19T18:20:00.000-08:00

it starts:

okay this is a little hard to explain so I'm gonna do my best.

have you every had a empty feeling?

like wake up and know your missing something?

no not your morning coffee or term paper.

something more like when a child pulls at your arm and that's how you know they want something.

it's like that, like your self is pulling and tugging at you trying to tell you something subconsciously.

i woke up with this subconscious hand tugging at me one Morin, and it's something you really can't just go on and ignore.

15, young and stupid i felt then.

i just didn't realise the most important thing that could happen to me would happen in the coming months.

it started with a smile, not one of those off the shoulder smiles but the brightest smiles you'll ever see.

the kind that make you almost trip over a tree stump and make you react like a total fool.

but he doesn't mind he just helps you up and smiles all over again.

that annoying little twitch of something missing popped back into action right after.

driving me crazy with what i was trying to find; i just couldn't go looking for it i didn't know what the hell I was looking for in the first place!

then his number came clear across my caller id on my phone and a smile lit my own face and i fumbled with the darn thing to get it to come on.

then his voice was in my ear, i hadn't heard it in awhile so i let it sink in like a sweet dose of chocolate, his voice brought heat to me all over.

oh if he only knew what only the simple spew of language that tossed from his lips did to me.

it went from there.

from a conversation, to months of laughter and smiles and tear filled eyes.
tears? oh yes, not all things can stay happy.
I'm sure life has taught you that notion by now surely yes?
was it unmoral what happened between one and soul and he?
maybe.
maybe not.
i can not judge, although i have not convented a sin against him myself sometimes i feel lack of judgement in the department of my own in rightful thinking of him.
worried my self to sickness over something that isn't even possible anymore.
Ive done this to myself a lot.
why?
not a clue, hurt to many times perhaps?
but that shouldn't effect him in any way so i don't know how that ties in.
I've always bruised easy, bled with ease with a foolish accidental cut but he doesn't even know he is the only one who could hurt me within a inch of death.
i would rather be dead in truth rather than have to face a day where he could hurt me.
could he?
maybe.
possibly.
incredibly so.
now would he is the right question.
maybe.
possibly.
not even close.